Absorbed and Losing Yourself
I’m sitting upstairs, listening to the soundtrack of Netflix’s Maniac and drifting in my mind trying to find the words to explain what life feels like as you move into a new role, accepting where you’re going and where you’ve been. My background is in solo adventuring, seeing the world, and documenting my personal experience to better understand my pathway through life. I’m accustomed to this mono lifestyle and currently find myself growing into a lifestyle more connected to other humans, enmeshed in their life and mine in theirs. There is an air of natural fear around this growing because I’m leaving the familiarity of doing what I want to, when I want to, and entering into a familiarity of doing what other people want and need, sacrificing a large portion of my autonomy. And, so, I’m here writing this respite to reconcile the opposites within me and forge ahead into a life of deep relationship and impact.
In analyzing my thoughts, behaviors, and rituals, my character is revealed to me throughout my time here on Earth. Today that analysis continues as I examine what my life was like and what it will be like. There is a definition of myself as a person of total freedom where I go anywhere and do anything I want at my whim. I feel attached to this character. I feel enlivened by this character but it seems that now is the time to re-evaluate that character and assimilate the good parts of that character into the new, more bounded, life I am in. A quintessential separation of the wheat from the chaff. The life of ultimate freedom has taught me the world is filled with limitless possibilities. I know this is cliché but it is that way for a reason. Experiencing this limitless world was necessary for my journey as a human walking the planet. Maybe it was something that I had to experience to understand. A vagabond pathway made manifest before my eyes so I could deeply appreciate the locomotion through life with challenges met and competitors bested. I now understand that a life of total freedom may not be the best answer for long term growth. As an artist I know that imposing some boundaries on the piece I’m working on via media and medium is conducive to creating a more interesting product with a concise message. Otherwise, like in life, there are too many options before you. There is too much to see. It becomes incredibly hard to make a decision because there are too many options. Highly productive CEOs and entrepreneurs exemplify this when they repeatedly wear the same clothing, like the Steve Jobs’ black turtle neck with blue jeans, thus creating one less decision to make during the day, allowing them to focus on other larger decisions.
Life is becoming more limited for me and that’s alright. There is beauty in losing yourself in what life presents to you. It can be scary at first because you are submerging into the unknown and wonder if you’ll be absorbed and never come out. This more bounded lifestyle will absorb me and I’m sure I will try to fight it at times, humbling myself at others. The truth is you have to fully give yourself to something to understand it and you will emerge, but you’ll emerge with new knowledge and understanding of that life pathway. In essence, it baptizes you, revitalizing your life experience and bumps the wisdom gauge a few ticks higher. It’s raining outside now and I am thinking of the line “God is in the rain”, from the film “V for Vendetta”, because it reminds me of surrender and that life and growth are everlasting. The rain falls upon you and cannot be stopped in the same way life acts upon you and cannot be stopped. There is a flow of life all around me and I seek to move with that flow. I seek to let go of what no longer serves me and move with the stream. Acceptance of what is before you with open hands is the path of renewal.
Thank you,
The Relative Merchant